


the things we said in the dark (and what we said in the daylight)

by lesbiancristina



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Always a Different Sex, Coming Out, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, canon typical alcohol abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24951025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesbiancristina/pseuds/lesbiancristina
Summary: Nurse has taken to ignoring Dex when she is at home.It’s fine.Or she’s dealing with it.It’s her own damn fault, anyway, so she can’t even muster the energy to be angry. Not at Nurse, at least.
Relationships: Chris "Chowder" Chow/Caitlin Farmer, Derek "Nursey" Nurse/William "Dex" Poindexter, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 56





	the things we said in the dark (and what we said in the daylight)

**Author's Note:**

> My brain wanted Dex to be a lesbian? So I wrote some Dex lesbianing and here we are.
> 
> Absolutely I have no idea what this is, by the way, but I had a good time writing it so *throws fic out into the world*
> 
> Warning: Part II deals with Dex coming out to her mum and it's pretty rough on her, so go forth carefully and look after yourselves.

I

  
The early autumn heat leaves Dex sticky and hot and unable to sleep. She kicks her blankets down to the foot of her bed and huffs quietly, remembering too late that Nurse is probably already asleep and she could wake her. Tension has hung thick in the air between them since term started two weeks ago, and Dex has taken to making herself scarce as much as she can in an effort to make things easier between them.

  
Nurse has taken to ignoring Dex when she is at home.

  
It’s fine.

  
Or she’s dealing with it.

  
It’s her own damn fault, anyway, so she can’t even muster the energy to be angry. Not at Nurse, at least.

  
“I can hear you thinking.” Nurse mumbles, voice soft with sleep, and Dex’s heart jumps in her throat.

  
“Sorry.” She replies, and then tries to suffocate herself with her pillow so that she can opt out of existence, because this is the first exchange they’ve had outside of hockey practice and terse “good morning”s and she’s an embarrassment, if only to herself.

  
“What’s going on between those giant ears of yours, Poindexter?” Nurse chirps, and Dex can see the quirk of her lips in her mind's eye, the easy teasing gleam in her eyes.

“You’re insufferable,” Dex bites, flinging her pillow down to join her blankets and regretting it instantly.

  
“You say the sweetest things.” Nurse says, clearly aiming for chill and missing the mark by a mile.

  
 _Fuck_. “Sorry,” Dex says, again. Wonders at her ability to fuck up so spectacularly in such a short space of time.

  
Dex turns onto her side, watches the sliver of moonlight on their floorboards; sees the glint of the coin from that fateful dib flip still sticking out from between two boards. She swallows hard, guilt burning like acid in her stomach.

  
For a long stretch, neither of them say anything. The dark offers Dex some comfort; it’s easier to hide like this, she doesn’t have to think about what Nurse’s face is doing, doesn’t have to try and fail to hide the feelings she knows she wears on her sleeves.

  
She lets out a slow, measured breath. Reminds herself that their current situation is of her own making. Straightens up, sitting cross legged on the bottom bunk. She twists her fingers into the undersheet, the soft cotton a balm against her hands. She takes another breath.

  
“Nursey?” She whispers, the sound of her heartbeat too loud in her ears. “You still awake?”

  
For a minute Dex thinks Nurse has gone back to sleep, then “Yeah.”

  
Dex chews on her lower lip, “I’m sorry.”

  
“You said that already.” Nurse sounds wry.

  
“No, I mean I’m sorry. For before.” She says, clarifying nothing actually. “Things have been weird…. tense. Since we got back. I know that’s my fault.” She grabs her pillow and wraps her arms around it, clinging tight to it. “I made such a fucking scene about this- about us sharing a room- for no real reason. I’m not going to make excuses, but I know I was rude and insensitive to you. So, I’m sorry.”

  
Silence hangs heavily between them and Dex works valiantly to keep clawing anxiety at bay. It pinches at her insides and crawls through her lungs, burning. “You don’t have to forgive me- I know that I’ve had a lot of chances already. More than I deserve.” Dex presses her cheek to her pillow. “I just want you to know that I’m going to stop being such a dick-”

  
“Impossible,” Nursey blurts.

  
A beat passes. Two.

  
The tension that was suffocating until now bleeds out of Dex in a burst of laughter. “Yeah,” She agrees, through muffled chuckles, “That’s probably not realistic.”

  
Nursey’s laughter is nothing like Dex’s- hers is light and full bellied and warm. Dex hasn’t heard it in a while, and she’s bowled over by the wash of it; a balm over her frayed nerves. “Seriously, though,” She says, once she’s recovered her wits. “I was being shitty and I’m sorry.”

  
“It’s chill,” Nurse says, automatically.

  
“You ruined it.” Dex groans, “It was going so well, and you ruined it.”

  
“You love it, Poindexter.” Nurse chirps.

  
“You have no proof,” Dex tells her, “No one will ever believe you.”

  
“Maybe not,” Nurse says, head peeking over the railing from the top bunk and she’s grinning, bright and warm. Dex pointedly doesn’t look at her. “But I’ll know.”

  
“I’d hit you with my pillow,” Dex says thoughtfully, “But knowing your luck you’d fall and crack your skull open.”

  
“You do care!” Nursey crows, and reaches down to try and ruffle Dex’s hair. Dex grabs her hand and shoves it away, clambering out of her bunk and onto the ladder to crowd Nursey back into the relative safety of her own bed.

  
“Oh my god, keep it down you’re going to wake the whole Haus!” Dex says, her own voice too loud.

  
They tussle for a minute, the top rung of the ladder pressing almost painfully against her abdomen, Nursey’s breathing heavily and Dex can’t stop smiling because the taut string of tension between them has snapped; maybe it won’t last forever, and it’s likely there will be more times than enough where they can’t agree on one thing or another but now with the rest of the Haus quiet around them and their mirrored happiness encompassing their little bubble Dex thinks maybe they’ll be okay.

II

  
The quiet of their hotel room is eerie. Tomorrow will be their final day of this particular roadie, and Dex has been fit to burst right out of her skin for most of it. She’s been avoiding pretty much everyone, and if she could get away with it she would turn her phone off altogether so she could pretend the radio silence from home was because she was choosing to cut off contact.

She presses the home screen, stares at the photo of her, Nursey and Chowder, faces squished together to fit into the frame. Nursey’s looking at Chowder, who is beaming at the camera, and the picture has caught Dex with her eyes half closed. There are no notifications. Again. Her heart clenches, a quick shot of pain through her chest, and she shoves her phone away roughly, blinking against the sting of tears.

  
Dex’s phone hits the carpet with a too loud thud, but she can’t bring herself to care. She hauls her blankets up to her chin and loses the fight against tears. She gives herself time to ride it out, her limbs shaking with the effort of containing the ache she feels.

  
She gasps into the quilt, eyes squeezed shut. _It’s not fair_ , she thinks, rubbing a fist against her cheeks.

  
“Will?” Dex startles, and it takes a minute for her eyes to adjust to the soft glow of the bedside lamp turning on. Nursey is leaning over her, eyes heavy but concerned. “Will, what’s wrong?”

  
Nursey climbs up beside her with no real warning, pushing Dex over with gentle hands to make room. Nursey lies on her side, facing Dex, and carefully wraps an arm around her.

  
“Can we not do this?” Dex croaks, desperation leaking into her voice. “I don’t think I can-”

  
Nursey’s grip on her tightens, “Do you want me to wake Chowder?” She asks, a hand running over Dex’s spine.

  
“No!” Dex protests, throat constricting. It’s bad enough that Nursey is seeing her like this, and Chowder needs her sleep. “No.” She says again, quieter.

  
“Jesus,” Nursey breathes, “Jesus, Will, talk to me- what’s going on?”

“Turn the light off.” Des says, and Nursey frowns reproachfully at her. “I can’t do this with the light on so, please, Nursey.”

  
Nursey moves to do so, and Dex shifts away from her, right to the far edge of the bed. She rolls onto her back and Nursey settles back down on her side. Part of Dex’s wants to curl up in Nursey’s arms, she’s almost entirely certain that Nursey would let her, but she pushes that down. Ignores it.

  
“So,” She starts. Has to clear her throat. “So, I’m a lesbian.” She doesn’t wait for Nursey to respond, doesn’t want to see the look on Nursey’s face. “And I told Mama. And she- well. It didn’t go so great.” The tears are back, but instead of sticking in her nose and throat and catching in her chest they flow fast and furious. “That was...five days ago. I haven’t heard from her since. Or dad. I don’t- well I know what it means. I just... need to get over it, I guess.”

  
“Will.” Dex drags her eyes away from the peeling paint on the ceiling, dread pooling in her gut. Nursey’s face is slack with shock and something close to pity. Dex closes her eyes and swallows thickly.

  
“Yeah.” She says, nonsensically.

  
“Will, can I hug you?” Nursey asks, and Dex lets out an aborted laugh.

  
Dex gestures vaguely at Nursey, who slips under the blankets and tugs Dex into her arms, letting Dex clutch at her pyjamas with shaking hands. Nursey presses her forehead against Dex’s, her body radiating sleep-warmth. “You’re so fucking brave,” Nursey tells her, hands spread across Dex’s shoulderblades, the gentle pressure calming. “I’m super fucking proud of you, and we’ve all got your back, Dex.” Dex exhales, shaky, her heart thundering in her fingertips, in her ears. “We love you, you funky little lesbian.”

  
Dex laughs, quiet and restrained. The band constricting her lungs eases. “Thanks, Der.” She says, meeting Nursey’s warm gaze. “I- thank you.”

  
Intellectually, Dex knew that this - that she - would be safe with Nursey, with Chowder, with the rest of the team, but that didn’t make it any easier. Maybe it should have. But having this, now, Nursey’s warm reassurance, her open heart and her kindness, was more than Dex had ever hoped for.

  
It was more than she had gotten from her Mama.

  
“Thank you for trusting me with this,” Nursey counters, one hand curving over the base of Dex’s skull, fingers carding through the short hairs there.

  
Dex ducks her head, presses her face into Nursey’s shoulder a little too hard. “Can-” She squirms, thinks better of it. “You can go back to bed, y’know. We should both get some sleep.”

  
“Is it cool if I stay here a bit?” Nursey asks, chin digging into the top of Dex’s head, like she can keep them just like this through sheer willpower. “You’re comfy.”

  
Dex grunts, “Guess so, even if you are squishing me.” She says, aiming for levity.

  
“You’re one to talk, I think your hockey butt is taking up half the bed.” Nursey says, hands trailing over Dex’s pyjamas to rest over the small of her back. Dex loosens her grip on Nursey’s clothes, smooths out the wrinkles she’s made. Their chirps feel a little out of place, but they settle Dex into casual familiarity, and she feels like she can breathe clearly for the first time in too long.

  
“Go share with Chowder then,” Dex says, but winds an arm around Nursey to keep her in place.

  
“Nah,” Nursey replies, voice low and heavy with sleep. “‘M good here. Got your back, Will.”

III

Celebrating their first win at home comes mid-October, and the Haus is packed with more people than Dex has ever seen. Things were wild from the get-go and Dex has never been one for too many strangers. She spends time with Chowder, holding her legs up with Farmer at the keg, cheering her on for her first shut out of the season.

  
Caitlin drags them onto the dancefloor, Dex protesting all the while. She’s not one for dancing, but Chowder seems so happy to have her there, and she’s weak for the private, happy smile Chowder shares with her, so she dances with them for a few songs, before excusing herself.

  
She passes Bitty, Ollie and Wicky on her way to the kitchen and gives them a quick wave. Everything is too hot and sticky and she’s never been this sweaty in her life. She grabs a clean plastic cup and fills it with water, chugs half of it and tops it up again. She presses the cool plastic to her cheek and hums contentedly.

  
Things seem to be winding down when she rejoins the fray a little while later, and even though she scours downstairs, she can’t seem to find Nursey. She wasn’t sure if anyone was put on Nursey Patrol tonight, or if someone was, no one seems to know who it was. She heaves a gruff sigh and picks through the garbage littering the floor and swings open the front door.

  
“Nurse?” She calls, the cool autumn air nipping at the exposed skin on her arms. The LAX house is still in full swing across the way, and she spares a brief moment to think _fuuuuck the LAX bros_ , because it’s what Shitty would want, and goes back to hunting across the front lawn for Nursey. “Nursey, you out here?”

“Yo, Dex!”

  
Nursey’s sprawled out in a withered pile of leaves, propped up on her elbows and face lax and serene. Her shirt sleeves are cuffed, and her legs are bent at the knees, spread out luxuriously. Dex hates her, she really does.

  
“What are you doing out here?” She asks, standing over Nursey with her arms crossed over her chest and hating that somehow she’s the responsible one here.

  
“I’m unwinding,” Nursey replies, her mouth pulling into an easy smile. She drops one knee, stretching her leg out to knock Dex’s shoes with her foot, her brows raising playfully. “You do know how to relax, right?”

  
“How about we unwind inside, y’know, where it's not baltic?” Dex asks, refusing to rise to Nursey’s bait. She holds a hand out to Nursey, refrains from rolling her eyes. “C’mon,” She coaxes, waiting while Nursey considers her. “C’mon, Nurse I’m about to freeze my tits off.”

  
Nursey snorts and somehow makes it elegant. “Well, we can’t have that,” She concedes, fingers wrapping around Dex’s, and her hands are cool and smooth. Dex isn’t thinking about it as she hauls Nursey to her feet, ready to catch her when she lists to the side, unsteady on her feet.

  
Nursey rights herself, and straightens in an attempt to seem dignified. Dex tries not to laugh at her. “You cannot chirp me when I’m drunk, Poindexter.” Nursey says, eyeing their clasped hands.

  
“You don’t need to be drunk to trip over nothing, Nurse,” Dex reminds her, squeezing her hand, “But I suppose I’ll leave the chirping for when you’re hungover.”

  
“Ugh,” Nursey groans, following Dex when she leads them away from her leaf pile and back towards the Haus. Nursey swings their hands between them, loose fingers pressed against Dex’s. “Alcohol was a mistake.”

  
Dex holds back a comment, settling for bumping their shoulders together. Nursey bumps her back, and then comes to a complete stop. She judges the front steps critically, and Dex lets her, completely at ease now that she knows where Nursey is.

  
Nursey pulls a face at Dex and then plops herself down onto the steps instead of climbing them. She uses their linked hands to tug Dex down beside her decidedly, and Dex follows her with no fuss.

  
“I thought we were going inside.” Dex says, powering through the shot of pain through her lower back as she hits the steps at the wrong angle.

  
“This’s nice,” Nursey replies, hesitant. Her shoulders are squared and she’s not looking at Dex, and Dex will never understand her. “Can’t we just stay like this for a bit?”

  
Dex examines her, the slope of her nose, her warm eyes, the soft curve of her cheek and the sharp lines of her jaw. She’s beautiful, but Dex has known that as long as she’s known Nursey. There’s something vulnerable in the way she’s holding herself, the tilt of her chin, and Dex aches, deep in her lungs.

  
“Yeah,” She says, careful to keep her voice level. “Yeah, sure we can.”

  
The cold is nothing to the burst of warmth she feels when Nursey beams at her. “Yeah?”

  
“Yeah.” Dex agrees, easily, hoping Nursey is drunk enough to miss the flush crawling over her cheeks.

  
Nursey’s smile turns gentle and Dex turns her head up to look at the sky, her chest too tight, everything in her fit to burst, unable to bear the weight of Nursey’s gaze.

  
They sit there for what could be hours, but is probably only about twenty minutes, the last few stragglers stumbling past them with vague apologies. Crickets chirp somewhere in the distance and behind them the Haus grows still and quiet and dark. The porch light flickers once, twice, and then goes out.

  
Dex gears herself up to either drag Nursey inside or pass a few meagre attempts at small talk about that day’s game, but before she can Nursey has lifted their hands and settles them across her own lap. She turns Dex’s hand over in her own, angling herself towards Dex with little fuss and fanfare.

  
“What-”

  
“Shush, I’m concentrating.” Nursey interrupts, voice low. Her tongue pokes out from between her lips like it does whenever she’s focused.

  
She trails gentle, cool fingers over the back of Dex’s hand, careful, deliberate lines over the soft skin at Dex’s wrist, the taut muscle in her forearm. Dex can’t breathe. Nursey presses her thumb into the small cluster of freckles at the crook of her elbow, and Dex is too warm, sure her skin is overheating and that Nursey can feel it.

  
“What- what are you doing?” Her voice sounds strained, even to her own ears.

  
“Mapping the stars.” Nursey murmurs, head bent over their arms, like that's a thing people say. Nursey strokes the sensitive skin with her thumb, handling Dex with care, like she might break, like she might deserve it.

  
Dex shivers, fingers clenching around Nursey’s. Nursey returns the gesture, fingertips grazing over where Dex’s short sleeves end. Nursey frowns at Dex’s shirt as though it’s personally offending her, and shifts her gaze to Dex’s face. Dex struggles to school her features into something resembling chill.

  
Nursey’s frown smooths out, their knees knocking together as Nursey presses closer. Dex shifts, pushes her thigh against Nursey’s. “Okay?” Nursey asks. Dex nods, the shift of Nursey’s jeans under her hand rough in contrast to the gentleness of Nursey’s hands on her.

  
She cups the side of Dex’s face, thumb brushing along the skin under her eye, the bridge of her nose. Dex’s breath catches, and she leans into Nursey’s warmth, eyes slipping closed.

  
Nursey’s breath washes over her face, and Dex starts, heart thudding. _Nursey’s drunk._ Nursey’s drunk and Dex is a tool.

  
“Nursey?” She manages, dragging her eyes open. Nursey is all soft warmth and single minded focus. It’s a big part of what Dex loves about her. “Nurse.” She tries again. Nursey hums, and Dex feels keenly every point of contact between them. “We should go inside. Get some sleep.” Dex manages a small reassuring smile, even as Nursey’s brows furrow in confusion.

  
“But-” Nursey protests.

“We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?” She says, unsure if Nursey will even remember this come morning. “Let’s go to bed.”

  
“Yeah,” Nursey says quietly, a look in her eyes that Dex can’t put a name to. “Sure.” The loss of Nursey’s warmth aches, and all the places they were touching sting at the sudden rush of cold air. She clings to Nursey’s hand, a little desperately, and refuses to let go until they’re in their room and Nursey is climbing into her bunk on wobbly legs.

  
Sleep doesn’t come for a long time.

IV

Tomorrow comes and they don’t talk about it. Hours and days and weeks pass and they don’t talk about it. Things are so aggressively normal that Dex thinks maybe she dreamt the whole thing. They sleep in the same room and practice and run plays together. They study separately, they have frog movie nights with Chowder, Dex bakes with Bitty and Nursey starts going to some off campus poetry nights with some people from her Lit classes and they don’t talk about it.

  
Dex nearly tells Chowder once, and decides it unfair to put that on her; she’s been in the middle of Nursey and Dex’s bullshit for too long already and Dex doesn’t know what she would even say, because it was probably nothing, just her blowing things out of proportion as usual and being unable to reconcile what she thinks happened and what actually happened.

  
She does tell Siobhan, though, one day when Nursey’s out and Dex locks the door behind her when she gets back from her 2pm. Siobhan is the best, because she listens carefully, doesn’t interrupt and let’s Dex yell a little down the receiver. Siobhan is also the worst, because then she tells Dex she has to actually communicate with people, you know, with words, Will.

  
Dex forgot that Siobhan wasn’t the person to go to if she was looking for sympathy.

  
She slumps down into the desk chair, running ragged hands through her hair. She’s never been one for using her words, but knows that Siobhan is right. If she wasnt so grateful for her sister she would be furious.

  
She pushes her phone to the side, resigning herself to moping a bit before she wrangles together some sort of plan.

  
She doesn’t get very far into her downward spiral before the locked door rattles. “Dex?” It’s Nursey, because of course it is. “Do I need to give you the room for a bit? It’s the middle of the day, bro.” The words are joking, but there’s a line of tension in Nursey’s voice.

  
Dex throws herself across the room and swings the door open. “Dude what the fuck?”

  
“You’re the one who locked the fucking door.” Nursey says, shouldering past her, losing her shoes and her bag on the way to stealing Dex’s chair. “What was I supposed to think?”

  
“Literally anything else?” Dex suggests, shutting the door quietly. She leans back against it, one foot propped back against it. “I was on the phone to Siobhan, is all.”  
Whatever tension she was holding seems to drain out of Nursey. “Oh.” Nursey says, a little sheepish. “How’s she doing?”

  
“She’s fine.” Dex wraps her fingers around her arm, tapping against the skin. Tries not to think about Nursey’s hands on her skin. Fails. She takes a breath and holds it. “She says I’m an idiot.”

  
“She’s only figuring that out now?” Nursey chirps, tucking one foot up onto the chair, resting her chin on her knee. She tilts her head, “What else did she say?”

  
Dex doesn’t know what to do with herself; she’s too tall, her shoulders too broad, her limbs too long and awkward. She pushes away from the door and folds herself down into her bunk. “She says I should use my words.”

  
“Oh?” Nursey queries, rolling the chair closer, planting her socked feet on their creaky floorboards. “Why?”

  
Dex lets her eyes roam the slats above her head. “I know we’re not talking about it - the kegster, I mean- ” She says slowly, lowering her eyes to her quilt. “But I think maybe we should talk about it.”

  
“Oh,” Nursey exhales, surprise clouding her features. “I mean, yeah. Chill.”

  
“Don’t,” Dex says softly, aware of Nursey’s left leg shaking and the way her knuckles are light with how hard she’s clinging to the arms of the chair. “Don’t do that, please.” She reaches out for Nursey, fingers brushing over the back of her hand, flinches back when Nursey snatches her hand away.

  
“What do you want me to say?” Nursey’s breath comes out harshly, and her eyes are everywhere but Dex. “What do you want from me, Will?”

  
“I don’t-” Dex sighs, tugging on the hem of her shirt. “I don’t want- I mean I want- I just want to talk about what happened, because everything’s weird now. I don’t want things to be weird.”

  
“Weird?” Nursey repeats, voice shrill. “It’s- everything’s exactly the way it was before! Isn’t that enough?”

  
Dex contemplates throwing in the towel. Contemplates burying herself under a mountain of blankets for the rest of term. “If that’s what you want,” Dex says, straightens her spine. “Then that’s- yeah. But, Dereca,” Nursey’s eyes widen, and finally, finally she meets Dex’s gaze. “I don’t think that’s what I want.”

  
“What do you want?” Nursey asks, voice raw. Dex wants to reach out again and doesn’t because she doesn’t think she could take it if Nursey pulled away again.

“I want to know what- what you were thinking. I want to know why-” She cuts herself off, hating herself for not being articulate. “I want to know what happened. If you were just drunk and I was there then that’s, like, fine.” It’s fine, she tells herself firmly. “I just want to know.”

  
“I was drunk,” Nursey says, and Dex’s heart is somewhere at the bottom of the ocean, like that fucking necklace at the end of Titanic. “And you’re literally always there. You’re everywhere, all the time.” Nursey runs a hand over her hair. “So I was drunk and you were there. But you’re the only one I want there. Here. With me.”

  
Dex reels and reels and tries to fit that into all the different scenarios she concocted over the past few weeks. “Okay.” She says, eventually, not sure what complicated thing her face is doing but aware that she probably looks deranged.

  
“Okay?” Nursey repeats, sounding hollowed out. “Okay?”

  
Dex slides off the edge of her bed, crossing the short distance between them, feeling a little hazy around the edges but calm and resolute. “Yeah,” She says, stepping into the space between Nursey’s legs. “Okay.” She rests one hand on the delicate curve of Nursey’s neck, sweeps her thumb over Nursey’s jaw. Nursey’s eyes are wide and wild, forest green in the afternoon sunlight.

  
“You’re the only one I want with me, too.” She tells her, gently tilting Nursey’s face up, watches shock-realisation-delight playing across Nursey’s features. “Okay?”

  
“Okay.” Nursey agrees, and there’s that smile that Dex loves. She leans down and captures it in a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> 1) Thank you for reading this, if you made it this far.  
> 2) I love these hockey idiots so much.  
> 3) Dex has a delightful older sister who loves and cherishes her. I might write something adjacent to this where she reaches out to Dex post coming out.  
> 4) I'm on tumblr @marybolkonskys if you want to come talk to me about the hockey comic and anyone and everyone in it.


End file.
